Shinji's Obvious True Love
by Zenamez
Summary: Any emo-tastic pilot just needs some love to make it better. But who to choose? It's obvious...right? Rated M in case it's too rude for a T rating. One-shot. Reviews/cricism encouraged, I want to improve.


_**Author's note time! : Well, seeing as how a small number of people seemed to either read or enjoy my last fanfic, I figured I'd throw together another one. Don't expect high quality.**_

_**Entirely pointless disclaimer: Hideki Anno doesn't have a account and doesn't write Fanfics for his own franchise, and if he does, he's not me.**_

**Neon Genesis Evangelion: Shinji's Obvious True Love**

Life for Shinji Ikari, 14-year old pilot of Evangelion Unit-1, the most deadly, destructive tribute to Barney the Dinosaur ever conceived, was less than good. Charitably, he had a fairly tough time of it. Putting it bluntly, his life was pure shit.

Risking his life every other day in an amazingly animated battle to the death with monsters straight out of HP Lovecraft's 'reject' pile was all well and good to people watching from a safe distance with some popcorn, but for him it was all he could do not to soil his plug-suit during battles. Not to mention the mental and physical trauma associated with a job where _on the very first day_ he had his skull repeatedly impaired by an Angel's Jesus Beam™, mere seconds after receiving a causal arm break (Angels traditionally greeted one another by snapping bodily appendages and limbs, so it's no wonder there were only ever seventeen of the fuckers).

Add to all this an emotionally abusive sociopath of a father (despite everyone insisting to him that Gendo was like that because he was a _stone cold badass_) and his creepy little blue-haired slave girl (despite everyone insisting to the contrary that Rei was obviously the perfect woman for him), an alcoholic room-mate (despite everyone insisting to the contrary that being felt up in a wacky drunken mishap by Misato was no bad thing), a room-mate on permanent PMS (despite...OK, no one ever tried to convince Shinji that Asuka had many good qualities aside from a nice ass) and you had a recipe for the ultimate emo kid.

In short, life was shit.

To many people, the obvious solution to all of Shinji's life problems could be solved with a simple bit of romance. Angel attack has left you in severe shock/injuries? A few loving words of encouragement will fix you right up! Feeling bitter and jaded that people only use you for your Eva? Time for a hug! Encountering a despair event horizon after seeing everyone you love die, along with the monstrous, 50-storey apparition of a giant naked Rei, who by the way is your mother, so way to go champ, you groped your mommy's boob? You just need a big fat kiss on the-woah, ok, you might need more than that, I admit.

So, he needed a partner. But who?

Rei? Well, both her and Shinji had the personalities and social skills of dry cardboard, so maybe they're meant to be. Then again...clone of mother. Oedipus himself would back off shuddering at that one.

Asuka? Well, if he didn't mind more emotional abuse and ridicule on the basis of being somewhat mellow and friendly, sure. If he needs a better arguement, the constant, insanity/mind-rape induced declarations of semi-ambiguous love for each other was probably a safe bet, even if they did have a 50% rate of resulting in strangulation.

Misato? Well, as long as he didn't mind Chris Hansen asking her to take a seat when someone found out. Plus, he couldn't drink, so he'd feel left out in most of her ideas of 'dates.'

So of course, there was one solution to all this, as loathe as Shinji was to admit it.

Kaworu. Now, it wasn't the gay factor that made Shinji reluctant. It was a combination of those weird pedo-smiles he kept flashing Shinji, as well as that whole 'I'm gonna tell you I love you then make you kill me, hope you didn't need your psyche intact for anything!' thing he pulled when he showed up. Being dead didn't help. So, this meant Kaworu was out of the running.

There was only one choice. It was so obvious! This person had been in front of him all this time, and he never noticed. But not anymore.

Shinji shut off his crappy little SDAT, leaped out of bed, and shoved his door aside. His frantic running to his destination caused him to slam straight into Asuka. This could've ended very, very bad for him, but luckily Asuka was eating a banana, and as she was shoved she dropped the skin, slipped on it, and knocked herself out cold. Shinji took a moment to shrug his shoulders and declare "Wah-wah-waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" and then carried on his way.

He made his way to the kitchen, barrelling past a bewildered Misato wondering why she had just seen Shinji living up to his infamous 'stooge' nickname Asuka had given him. He found his destination at last as he furiously and passionately ripped open Pen-Pen's fridge door. Pen-Pen promptly flashed him the 'Prepare for beaky death' face, before he noticed the lustful expression in Shinji's eyes.

Realisation dawned on him.

"WARK, !!!" he bellowed. Roughly translated from Penguinese this came out to "GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU HORRIBLE PRODUCT OF FANFICTION!!!"

But it was too late.

Shinji was already doing his best to passionately make out with Pen-Pen, despite all the limitations, both physically, ethically and socially that should have prevented it.

Pen-Pen tried to stop it, but Shinji was surprisingly powerful considering his total lack of musculature. Then the worst part came. Shinji's tongue. It was something that Pen-Pen had never wanted to even imagine coming anywhere near his mouth, but unfortunately for him this was Evangelion, where horrific, soul-crushing trauma was applied to everyone. _**No exceptions. **_

Pen-Pen then realised that wasn't the worst part.

The worst part was he was almost enjoying it.

If penguins could scream in unbridled horror, that's what he would've done.

_The End._

_**Author's magical conclusive notes: Yeah, if the way I'm playing fast and loose with continuity is bugging you, what with Shinji somehow still living with Misato and Asuka despite the entire series and End of Eva having taken place, then I dunno what to say. It's a surreal, somewhat disturbing humour fic, so just assume that it all takes place in some magical Dimension X where Shinji and pals can have wacky adventures and hi-jinx despite being either traumatised beyond repair or somewhat dead.**_

_**This is only my second fic, so reviews and criticism are welcome. Criticism especially so**_, _**I don't want people to let me run rampant with shit writing.**_


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